In an attempt to win a Jane Austen Parody contest I wrote this piece:

Pantaloons

“As well as with any other guilty lover’s trace is that of your deplorable soliloquy.” She speaks loathing him for his good looks and quick wit. “My soliloquy? Should I but impress you with your secret ill intents? Your pride is your most defining feature, your beauty your only adornment and lastly your wealth your only stability. It is the passion you arise in every man that distinguishes you from all women. Yet you would add me to your thoughts and desires, I should consider myself lucky.” The insincerity in his voice made her pace in anger. The breeze of the night could not cool her whirlwind of emotions and frustration.

“Woman, if I had known the despise you had for me to be that of love, I would have traveled to the farthest oceans seeking the very poison to end my life.” His stature increasing well before her eyes. Stunted she gains strength once more to debate, “Is that your best weapon, your manly stature? Your wit lacking a certain logic, as you see I do not despise you, I despise what you stand for. The supposed justice you bear witness to and aid in is but a pool of deceit and immorality. You do not stand in profession, nor elegance, you sir are a fraud!” Her eyes brightened now to the rage blooming from her wanting lips.

“A fraud then, lets stagger the accusations against me, shall we? As you masterfully have manipulated, indeed proceed.” His hand motioned along with his most elegant bow to mock the entrance of royalty. “I do not believe we’ll arrive to any productive result, if we so continue.” She states ready to walk away and leave him more exposed than she.

“Oh so you bow out ever so gracefully. I would wonder if this would not mean you are afraid of me.” “Afraid of you.” She screams grasping at the stone railing. “How could I ever be afraid of you. Only I know who you truly are, you speak as though you have the education, gentility and demeanor of one worthy of elegant society, yet you lack all of the above. The only graces you were allowed should be returned immediately. A thief is what you are. You’ve filled all of us with thoughts of you to be the savior to our dull lives but instead you’ve stolen our time.” She begins to walk away if not were by the hold of his hand on her soft skin. “I’ve stolen many things in my past that have afforded me much pleasure but not as much as stealing what you would never have given away had I not pretended to be the one you sought.”

“How dare you? Unhand me at once, or I will scream so far as to have you shackled in prison for attacking a gentlewoman.” She struggled in his embrace. She could feel his affections for her. “What really is your contempt against me? That you love me?” Her hands swinging in battle against him, but in failure to his firm grasp. “What will you do now? Steal my good name and leave me destitute, robbed me of all innocence?” He stares into her deep velvet eyes and releases his grasp. “Leave.” The solemn sound of his voice repeated in her confused mind. She heaves and drapes over her first designed garden bench. “You don’t belong here, it is not I that should leave, but you.” She looks over her hand and the possession it held. “What would ask from me? His eyes longing for her answer. “I desire nothing but all the things I am not allowed to have.” Her head hung from the armrest. He sighs, “You are the very fire to my rage. Goodbye Madam. My deepest apologies, for being the cause of your indignation.” He walks away as if nothing would shame him, not even his loss.

Her dearest friend ran to her aid and sat by her. “Oh dearest, what happened? What was his offense toward you? Did he steal your heart? Did he steal more than that? Perhaps your pride?” Engulfed in tears she speaks, “Oh I’ve been a fool. He did not steal my heart, but more dreadful than that. He stole…my chemise.” Her beloved friend gasped at seeing the transparency of her friend’s garments and the white male pantaloons clutched in her hands.

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