Perhaps what we are meant to do is to work with what is already in our hands. It may seem quite simple but truthfully it is not what I usually focus on. My goals and dreams are bigger than what I can reach. I often pursue them while I sacrifice the now to achieve the future. I know what happens when I do that, life happens. No matter how I resist my current state and extend my hand to a higher calling, it always seems to pull me down to what is now calling my attention. The more I fight it, the more my hopes and goals take a hit, the more disappointed I am and the more of a failure I feel. If I begin to narrow these things to what is truly important, I may just may get somewhere.
I’d love to be a writer. One that actually has time to write on a daily basis, one that works on a novel and extends that even to other fields of writing. I would love to be that awesome business owner that seems to know how to increase sales and suck the juice out of every advertising venue. I would love to be that pilot that can log hours into destinations that become the center of new adventures and more writing. I could be the woman who speaks about God in a way that would set fire to hearts desiring more to know who He is and why He does the things He can only do. I would love to be that rocking mom that makes her kids laugh, enjoy their lives and feel inspired to make the right choices for their lives. I would love to be that woman who leaves her husband breathless and always thinking of her. I admit right now I am these things in some ways, small ways really. Nevertheless to try to be all of them, leaves me without accomplishing any of these.
I haven’t written in a long time and I guess part of that is that I’ve been trying too hard. I can be the writer that writes when inspiration comes or when I realize nothing fulfills like a good typing exercise. I do work slowly when I can at this small business I have when time allows. I am the pilot that dreams of being in the air and does what it can to stay connected until the money flows enough to help me fly. I do speak and encourage all that I meet to believe in a God that cares and is willing to love. I am the mom that flusters herself trying so hard to do all and do it well. Then I pause. When I take the time to bathe my babies while singing songs and making airplane noises while I brush their teeth, I do become someone I admire. My husband still says I keep him on his toes and thinks of me often.
Life happens, your expectations didn’t match your reality. My expectations did not match and to try to fight it with all my might, leads to missing out to what I have right now. So I pause and work with what is in my hands. It’s not perfect in the way that I would want it and though it was a tough day today I realized it. I sang with a giraffe puppet in my hands making my toddler laugh hysterically and it hits me. I can be this and this is pretty good. This is the woman I am and the one I want to be, one that uses what she has to live, embrace and bless.
There are days…
I seem to want to finish that sentence every chance I get.
There are days…when an overwhelming ticking sound reminds me of every deadline, personal expectation and calendar date as it approaches. Time seems to laughs at me as it rushes by leaving me frazzled with my hands full and nowhere to lay these things down.
There are days…which encourage the to-do’s and the should have’s and the wants to grow around me like weeds.
There are days…where I look above these weeds that choke me to see fly past me the hidden goals in my heart.
There are days…that beckon me to ride fast, fly high or take a dive, dropping all my worries behind.
There are days…I would just like to run, to run away from all responsibilities, demands, and roots that hold me down.
There are days…and this I forget. There are more days than this day, so I take a deep breath do what I must, surrounded by what I love and think. There are more days and I will not faint.
Life has a way of weaving us through different paths. It shapes and shakes the one walking in it through untested terrains. Our choices have a great impact and at times though not our first choice we leave behind dreams hoping to return to them one day. Flying, like a dream that took place once, I left to pursue other goals and dreams. Time passed and though it flickered in my heart to take flight, life seemed too difficult to overcome. At last a new front passed through and a new path opened up bringing to life what I once knew. The wind rushed under me trying to lift me but my wings were dirty and heavy. My wings were rusty and inflexible. I took some time to study, to remember, to ponder again what it means to take flight. Another rush of wind came along and a flux of procedures, speeds and power settings set in my bank of memories rushed out. A window opened and though I thought I couldn’t and it had been too long, I still tried. A blur of words and a giggle on the radio and my low confidence pushed through the jitters and I took command. I flew. My heart took flight again, I took control of the airplane and it dawns on me,
“I dont know what God sees in me, to allow me to do this, for I am not a captain, I’m the crew.”
And I hear in the depths of my heart, “I’ve always seen you this way, Captain.”
Author’s note: God does see us higher than we see ourselves. Have you experienced something that makes you doubt you’re the right person for it but yet you’re able to accomplish it?
At first to impress or to continue conversation every bit of detail seems fitting. It speaks with freedom and comfort of all subjects. There is no question about consequences, nor interpretation. Expressing honesty in its purest form is the only wise choice. There are no restraints when the heart means well. Then, reason arrives and the words once spoken through the lips of another sound ill. All the secrets become public knowledge. A fool quick to speak becomes the shame of transparency. If only restrains came with the mouth and tongue then regret could not chase another soft heart away.
There are times where the efforts of many fail. The innovative ideas, the goals and date lines result in zero. There is no forward movement or eye-opening discovery. Sometimes nothing evolves. A wild and uncontrollable stillness overpowers your life. All you have to do or make of is what you came into this world holding, your talents. When nothing happens that makes money or increases your status, you have yourself. I’m not referring of vanity or self-reliance but your uniqueness, your God-given talents. When time stands still, you have the time to paint, to write, to record, to create, to do the things you never had the time to do unless God put your life on hold and placed you in a time bubble.
She wakes up crying. Her sorrowful body fills her lungs with anguish. She does not know if her dreams bring sadness to mind or if some days the body just cries. Her heart weeps for a reason not known. Her family arrives to begin the festivities speaking to her of all the fun to be had. The darkness in her mind reminds her of wrongs. He will not be a part of the celebration. She can’t call him up and let him know she loves him. A season of gladness highlights the one missing, but his seat sits another. A new smile and giggle softens the pain. Her family gathers to cook and reminisce of good times. Her heart begins to enjoy. Sadness began the day but joy wins the fight in the midst of love.
In and out of season the bell bottoms and netting tops end in storage. They state the answers to what is healthy, fashionable, humane and real. Finances arrive once and again they leave. Empty hands to the owner feel lonelier. Today’s importance becomes the least necessary in the future. The things of old are new through a new perspective. We change and add or take away with every season. As the times return, let us be stronger, wiser and perhaps more grateful. For when the tide changes against us again, we can prove we’ll overcome day by day.