A man signs up for a challenge. The challenge consists of walking blind folded in three different situations. The first is at a familiar place, the second at an unfamiliar place and the third with an unknown goal. The man accepts each task as they seem doable. At the familiar place, his home, though blinded he could remember and picture in his mind every object. He could visualize what the room looks like and he shows great ability moving around the obstacles. He enjoys accomplishing that task knowing that if he did lose sight he could still remember.
The next task he sees as a true challenge. In the unfamiliar place, he feels intimidation. He steps forward and discovers his surroundings. He could with touch, smell and at times taste describe where he is and what he encounters. He feels empowered with each task. On the last task they leave him at a walking trail without a goal or destination. For this task however, they do not cover his eyes. He doesn’t see the reason for this last task, yet continues.
When the man begins his walk he takes a brisk walk to finish the silly challenge. A few hours pass and though he’s fine in health and could walk longer, he stops. He complaints about the pain in his legs, the aches in his body and wonders when the task ends. He rests for a while and walks again for a short time. He then decides to jog for a while and see if he can arrive at his destination sooner. After another hour, he stops. He rethinks the original request realizing he doesn’t know if he’s suppose to find the end of the path, finish it or something else. He walks again and screams to see if anyone would respond, no one does. He continues while his frustration grows and with every step he feels more insecure in his purpose. He feels defeated as he talks to himself about the hours and days lost pursuing these tasks. After a few hours they come for him and take him home. Glad to finish the challenge yet upset that he most likely lost it, he asks about the goal of the last task. They respond, the goal is to walk.
Author’s note: There is nothing that drives a person madder than to not know where they are heading, even if they can see and all they know is they cannot do anything at all but wait. The waiting eventually ends, even if not in the outcome we expect.
Excitement and hormones encourage the blood pumping and the race begins, when it first slows down. When she feels ready to start this stage of her life, she finds out changes take time. Her body gains weight and she looks forward to showing her baby belly, yet the weight does not give her a sweet bump but a hefty look. She feels that everyone that sees her wonders. She can almost hear their assumptions.
“She’s really letting herself go. You think she’s depressed?”
“I thought she was working out, maybe she’s not as much?”
No one asks her what is new in her life and she doesn’t feel ready to share it anyways. Some people know from experience, you never ask unless its obvious. They wait to ask when they a see a woman rushing to the hospital, doing her breathing exercises and screaming. It’s safer for them to ask between contractions than being wrong. The embarrassment alone of being wrong and offending a woman who is not expecting and is in fact overweight is enough to send some to seclusion for days. They know, you do not ask.
At this stage no one can tell except her, the one with ravenous hunger, queasiness, potential mood swings and the frustrated dresser. However, she figures a way to calm the curious by a simple gesture. She rubs her belly and rests her hand under her belly leaving the observer quiet as they see she is expecting. Even so, who dares to ask?
TTC=Trying to conceive
(Half the battle of motherhood begins in understanding what every other mom already seems to know, the acronyms).
The trying fun begins, where some don’t even have to try. Time passes and the fervent expectancy turns to worry. Glowing sticks for measurement and accuracy reign in the closet. When temperature is best and the color shows just right, what was fun can become a task. A list of recommendations and traditions, all to expect that glorious moment when you flop head to head over a toilet. For some a journey of self discovery begins as they find themselves insufficient in their efforts. No amount of hugs can comfort those that cannot, but the love of those around can shine a different perspective and new hope. Others discover that in time their desire is in fact shocking and scary.
“Once you’re there you can never take it back.” The TCO woman remembers what a coworker said earlier that day.
At home she tests once more. Their third attempt in a few months and its positive.
“Is that right?” She asks her husband.
“Yep.” He walks away and sits on the couch.
She holds the positive test in her hands shaking and sobs.
“Baby, what’s wrong?”
“I’m going to be a mother.” She sits down on the floor crying.
“Yes, that’s what we wanted. Isn’t that good?”
“But I don’t know if I’m ready.” She bawls.
He walks toward her, laughs and holds her.
Author’s note: It’s funny when you find yourself where you want to be but have no clue how to live after that. Anyone know what that’s like?
Often when I speak though I know what I want to say, my lips choose other words. The end becomes the beginning of the conversation and the beginning an end without comprehension. In those times I fear that the hearer will think I have a speech impediment or a handicap of some sort. Other times my speech sounds harsh and cutting when the cushioning words go missing. When this happens the words leave me and I wait for a blow. I wait to hear the offended party’s reaction, most of all their scolding. Some do huff and bite off a piece of my heart making assumptions instead of asking for clarification. Few are the ones that respond to what I mean instead of how it sounds. When I try to apologize the ones offended walk away. The ones that wait, understand and confirm that though words are often mistaken, they know my heart.
Author’s note: Know of anyone that responds to what you mean instead of what you say? If so make sure to appreciate those that do not make the quick assumptions and stick with you until the right words come out.
She wakes up crying. Her sorrowful body fills her lungs with anguish. She does not know if her dreams bring sadness to mind or if some days the body just cries. Her heart weeps for a reason not known. Her family arrives to begin the festivities speaking to her of all the fun to be had. The darkness in her mind reminds her of wrongs. He will not be a part of the celebration. She can’t call him up and let him know she loves him. A season of gladness highlights the one missing, but his seat sits another. A new smile and giggle softens the pain. Her family gathers to cook and reminisce of good times. Her heart begins to enjoy. Sadness began the day but joy wins the fight in the midst of love.
Finally a breakthrough, when things could begin to unravel. It is the moment that prayers wear out, where the last tear shared can finally dry. It’s here. No longer will I worry about failing, my hopes dropping or of the panic that drowns me. We got good news and the relief should start pouring in like rain on a dry field. Most waited for moment in this time and season and now patience can take the back seat.
I sit and wait for the floodgates to open, for the beginning of the good things to come, but no one comes. The party organized, the plans made, the food prepared and yet no one is at the door. Perhaps a few new fliers, a new investment or a new product to add would make it all happen. Or perhaps it will fail and nothing else will come of it. Perhaps I was the fool that thought I could make it happen.
Another day comes through and some attention received and my heart lifts for a moment. The moment of truth or glorious relief did not arrive, but hope still remains. So I sit bursting with new ideas in the thought that one day as I keep on persevering there will be one glimmer of hope, a customer will actually come to our door.